Monster
by NiceAsPie
Summary: RLSB slash eventually . Remus can't be loved by Sirius. He's not important enough. He's a monster. Crummy summary, I know.
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: Nope, still not mine.

A/N: Angsty, yes. But still beautiful! :P

Remus sat, filled to the brim with self-loathing, staring at the still form of Sirius, swathed in the white of the infirmary sheets. He couldn't believe that this was Sirius. Sirius Black, who did everything louder than was necessary, faster than was necessary...wilder than was necessary. The renegade aristocrat, disowned and dishonored, but never disheartened, never disappointed. Now lying oh-so-still. Even worse, Remus couldn't believe he had done this to him. Sirius' eyelids fluttered and he moaned in pain. Remus flew to his side, placing a cool hand on his forehead.

'Moonikins,' Sirius coughed. 'Still can't keep your hands off of me.'

Remus gasped and leapt back, tears spilling over. Sirius looked at him, concern overriding the pain.

'Rem?'

'I...sorry...I can't...'

Remus fled the room, his chest hitching with the sobs that threatened to tear him apart.

--

Sirius hovered on his broom idly, trying harder than should be necessary to concentrate on practice rather than on the boy sitting in the stands. It was Remus; of course it was. Sirius hadn't spoken to Remus since he fled the infirmary. It hadn't seemed to matter to Remus that Sirius had assured him that he was ok, he was fine, he understood and accepted the risks and no he most certainly would not leave him alone, they were friends. Weren't they? And his side was almost fine now. There was a scar, sure, but it didn't bother him. But none of that mattered; Remus was avoiding him. But now he was in the stands. Sirius sighed in aggravation and flew over to hover in the air before Remus.

'How goes it?' he asked softly.

Remus looked up, amber eyes full of tears and regret. Suddenly his eyes widened.

'Look out!' he cried.

Sirius turned his head to be met by something very hard moving at great speed. His unconscious form toppled from the broom, landing with a dull thud on the ground below.

--

For the second time in too short a time frame Remus found himself curled up in a chair in the infirmary, staring at the unconscious form of Sirius. Why? What did he do to deserve this? Sirius was perfect...he was brilliant and attractive and extremely smart and...and everything Remus was not. Remus was bookish and dull and much more deserving of suffering than Sirius was. Remus sighed, running his hand through his hair as Sirius stirred. Sirius awoke to silence punctuated by mournful snuffling. His nose hurt like hell. Eyes still closed, he reached up and probed the offending appendage, wincing as sparks of pain shot from it. _Broken_, he thought miserably.

'How crooked is it Rem?' he asked softly.

'Not...really...' Remus whispered.

Sirius finally opened his eyes to see his friend, eyes swollen and red, cheeks tear-stained.

'Why Remmikins, anyone would think I had died.' Sirius drawled, sitting up.

Remus smiled crookedly, the tremble in his lips not unnoticed.

'I'm fine Rem.' Sirius said, all mirth gone.

Remus just stared mournfully. Suddenly James burst into the room.

'Glad to see your concern for my wellbeing overrode practice.' Sirius said, trying rather unsuccessfully to hide the grin playing along his lips.

'Well, with Remus here to protect you-'

Remus cut in with a bitter laugh. Both James and Sirius looked at him as he shook his head, eyes blazing.

'Protect him? I could've killed him.' he hissed before leaving the room.

Sirius made to leap from the bed and follow but James placed a hand on his chest, forcing him down.

'You may have forgiven him Pads, but he hasn't yet forgiven himself.'

Sirius swore softly but knew it to be true. Remus traipsed up the stairs, swallowing his sobs. He wandered into the library, sinking into a chair and placing his head on his knees. He felt a hand on his shoulder and could tell it was Lily. She always smelt of sugar. That was the one advantage he found in his lycanthropy; he always knew who he was with.

'Hey Lily.' he murmured.

She sat next to him; long ago had she ceased to be surprised by him. Even before he informed her of his...uniqueness.

'Is everything alright Remus?'

'Spectacular.'

'Are you sure?'

Remus looked up.

'Sirius is in the infirmary again.'

Lily nodded softly.

'Why aren't you with him?'

'I...I can't be. He gets...hurt when I'm around.'

'I'm sure it's not you.'

Remus' mouth twitched and his eyes filled with tears.

'I...last... He...I almost killed him.' he hissed, the tears spilling over. 'How am I supposed to live with myself if he dies because of me?'

'Remus. Don't take this the wrong way or anything but... Are you in love with Sirius?'

'I...'

Remus stopped. Was he? He shook his head vehemently.

'Maybe you should talk to him. I'm sure he's waiting for you, pining away like the overgrown puppy he is.'

'Maybe later Lily. Maybe...'

Lily sighed and touched his arm before returning to her friends. Remus put his head back on his knees and began to cry silently, his shoulders shaking as he fought to keep the sobs down.

--

After consuming a potion that tasted vile and seemed an entirely unusual colour Sirius deemed "Greblorange", Madame Pomfrey let him go, with some relief it seemed. Sirius rushed to the dorm he shared with Remus, James and Peter and, flinging the door wide cried 'I'm ba-ack!' as loud as he possibly could. James and Peter barely looked up from their game of exploding snap, used to these outbursts, and, much to his dismay, Remus was not in the room.

'Where is he?' Sirius asked.

James shrugged.

'He wasn't here when we came up. I'm sure he's fine. Probably studying, you know Remus.'

Sirius knew that James' indifference was feigned, he was just as worried as Sirius himself. He also knew that sometimes Remus needed space, and that they could do nothing until he returned. He sighed and curled up on Remus' bed to await his friends return.

--

Remus entered his dorm to find James and Peter playing exploding snap and Sirius lying on his bed. As soon as Sirius saw him his face brightened.

'Mr. Padfoot is ecstatic to see Mr. Moony.' he said, his grin widening.

Remus smiled softly.

'Mr. Moony is glad to see Mr. Padfoot, even if he does have a crooked nose.'

'Eep!' Sirius cried, dashing into the bathroom.

'Glad to see you're feeling better Remus.' James said before breaking out in cries of triumph having beat Peter yet again.

Sirius sauntered back into the room.

'Mr. Padfoot wishes to point out that his nose is very much straight and is unimpressed with insinuations otherwise.'

'Duly noted.' Remus said, collapsing onto his bed, comforted by the predictable nature of his friends.

Almost as if on cue, Remus' mattress bounced, the ancient bed creaking precariously, as a whine of 'Moo-oo-oony' rang in his ears. He growled a little, unable to suppress it. He felt Sirius' breath, warm and wild on his neck. _I must be losing my mind_, he thought, trying to ignore Sirius as he blew at his hair, obviously trying his damndest to irritate him. His mind drifted until he jerked upright with a strangled yelp, Sirius having sunk his (very white very straight) teeth into his neck. Remus frowned at Sirius who was trying to look contrite and failing miserably.

'Mr. Moony would like to inquire as to why Mr. Padfoot deemed that necessary?'

'Erm...repaying the favor?'

Sirius knew straight away he'd said the wrong thing, even before his eyes dulled. Sometimes his mouth got away from him, saying the wrong thing so as to hide what he really wanted to say.

'Get off of my bed Sirius.' Remus mumbled.

Sirius slunk away, a look of hurt on his face which Remus dismissed as misinterpretation on his part. This was Sirius Black after all. Remus flopped backward, covering his face with his pillow, wondering how someone like him managed to get involved with people like Sirius, like James. People who were important and wonderful and...loved. Remus knew he never would have been noticed were it not for Sirius and James. And sometimes he wondered if that might not be better. Sirius retreated to his own bed, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling, listening to James and Peter as they began another game. He sighed, albeit quietly. It wouldn't do at all if word got out that he was...ugh...sensitive. Not Sirius Black. He was loud and crazy and wild. It was Remus' job to be sensitive and sensible and make sure he never really got into trouble. He huffed, _a much more becoming sound_, he thought, and stood up, sure that some leggy Ravenclaw had been dropping hints earlier today. _Now, if only I could remember her name_, he thought, leaving Gryffindor Tower.

--

_Well, it certainly wasn't Remus_, Sirius thought, sure the same stupid flabbergasted expression was plastered on his face as on the girls. He pulled his jeans back on and sighed.

'What do you want to keep this quiet?' he asked, thinking not of himself and his reputation but of Remus, who hated being in the public eyes.

He saw the glint in the girls eye and almost shuddered.

'Date me.' she said.

Sirius did shudder this time. Sirius Black, tied down? He nodded reluctantly, for Remus, already thinking of how to dump her.

'Oh no Sirius Black. If you dump me I will tell.' she said, almost as though she had read his mind.

'Fine.' Sirius growled, cursing the little trollop under his breath.

She kissed him on the cheek, smirking just a little.

'It's Sofia.' she whispered before flouncing off.

'Fan-fucking-tastic.' Sirius muttered, slinking back to the dorms.

--

As Sirius sat down to eat his breakfast he suddenly found himself with a girl in his lap, fluttering her eyelashes at him in a manner he was sure she thought was attractive. He sighed as lipgloss sticky strawberry tasting lips met his.

'Bye Siri.' she whispered.

Sirius almost gagged and frowned in frustration at the silence surrounding him.

'What?' he snapped.

'Mr. Prongs is confused. Could that possibly have been a girlfriend? Mr. Wormtail, what do you think?'

'Mr. Padfoot? A girlfriend? Most certainly not.'

'What's her name?' Remus asked idly, focusing on his waffles and not on the overwhelming and frightening urge to obliterate the girl from the face of the earth.

Sirius thought carefully for a moment. He knew it began with an "s". Sarah? No. Susan? No. Sophie? Maybe...no...Sofia!

'Sofia.' he said softly, staring at his orange juice as if it were sharing secrets.

Remus coughed softly and picked up his tea, sipping it delicately. He immediately put it down, noticing the unfamiliar taste, but it was far too late. He hiccuped and from his mouth came a bubble. A rather large rather pink rather heart-shaped bubble that proceeded to hover above Sirius' head. As he hiccuped again, releasing another bubble, he prayed for the earth to swallow him up. It seemed everyone in the Great Hall was staring at him. As he hiccuped again he realized he was close to tears. James and Peter looked furiously at the laughing Slytherins, but thankfully Sirius was too absorbed in his own problems to notice the very public spectacle Remus was making of himself. Remus stood up, holding his breath, his face burning, tears rolling down his cheeks. He felt an overwhelming desire to sacrifice himself to the Giant Squid. He jumped, startled, as a hand appeared on his shoulder. He turned to face Severus Snape, who looked absolutely horrified. He held out a small vial of purplish liquid.

'Those bastards. I never imagined they'd use it on you. This is the antidote. I'm sorry.'

As Remus took the vial James uttered several expletives and Severus hurried away. Remus downed the antidote and immediately the hiccups subsided, the bubbles burst. And Sirius, Merlin knew how, was oblivious. That was not to be said about the rest of the school, however, Remus noticed as he sank back into his seat.

'Mr. Prongs would like to inquire if that was...a factual display.' James asked cryptically.

As Sofia planted herself in Sirius' lap once more, possessively, glaring at Remus, he whispered 'I don't know' before fleeing, the eyes of the majority of the student body on him. Sirius sighed and turned to his friend only to find an uneaten waffle and overturned cup of tea.

'Hey, where'd Rem go?'

James looked at him incredulously. Sofia giggled in a most ridiculous manner and whispered in Sirius' ear. He seemed to sigh and then left with her, his food barely touched.

'Something very strange is happening Peter. And I intend to find out what it is.' James said quietly.


	2. Chapter 2

Remus was high in the branches of a tree overlooking the lake, debating whether or not to jump in. Surely he wouldn't be too awfully missed. He sighed and then tensed, hearing his name called out. Severus came into view.

'Remus, I saw you come out here. I wanted to explain. Remus?' he called.

'Look up.' Remus hissed.

Severus did so and a small smile tilted the corners of his mouth up.

'Are you coming down?'

Remus shook his head. Severus sighed and began to climb the tree. In no time at all he drew level with Remus.

'Hi.' he puffed, a little out of breath.

'H'lo.' Remus responded.

'I'm sorry about the potion. I made it for them but they swore they were going to use it on that traitor, Black.'

Remus' eyes flashed.

'Don't you dare call him that.'

Severus shrugged.

'Very well. I am sorry though. It wasn't meant to...out you.'

'I have no idea what you are talking about.' Remus said, not quite managing to hold in the tremble in his voice.

'Surely you must know what that was!'

'Yes. But you must have made it incorrectly. I can't love Sirius.'

Severus pursed his lips, leaning in.

'I'm good at what I do.' he whispered.

All of a sudden Remus felt lips against his and thought he might fall out of the tree. Instinctively he wound his fingers in Severus' hair. Eventually Severus pulled away. All Remus could think to say was 'Your hair is much softer than it appears.' He cringed at the stupidity of the statement.

'You are Loopy.' Severus whispered, dropping from the tree. 'You need to tell him.'

Remus watched in disbelief as Severus scurried away, sure that today couldn't get any worse. He realized how mistaken he was when he felt pain bloom in his back as he climbed down. Collapsing to the ground he was assailed by boots. He knew it was the Slytherins.

'Why?' he gasped.

'You are a fucking mudblood faggot. It's offensive.' the leader, one Lucius Malfoy spat.

Remus covered his face and waited for it to end.

--

'But why can't you just dump her?' James asked.

Sirius mumbled something under his breath.

'What?!?'

After a long-suffering sigh Sirius repeated himself clearer.

'I said, I called out Remus' name during sex and she is blackmailing me.'

James began to laugh hysterically as Peter turned ashen.

'You...you're in love with, with Remus?' James gasped.

'Most definitely not. It just happened because I was thinking that I had to apologize to him...and Remus is rather feminine in any case.'

'I am not.' Remus said, walking into the room.

Sirius paled as James began to laugh harder.

'H-how much of that did you hear?' Sirius stuttered.

'Just that you think I'm feminine. Why?' Remus asked warily.

'Oh...no reason. It's a surprise.' Sirius responded nonchalantly.

'It sure is.' James gasped,, earning a prod in the ribs from Peter.

Remus shook his head, gathering the items required to shower. He was used to his friends strange behavior. In fact, he was quite sure they reached their daily strangeness quota before breakfast even. As Remus entered the bathroom Sirius frowned. He wasn't quite as unobservant as he appeared, and he'd noticed the reddish spots on Remus' white shirt. Remus was seated beneath the water, leaning his forehead on the cool tiles. He knew he should go to Madame Pomfrey but couldn't stomach another visit to the infirmary...or the explanation. Nothing was broken. He would be fine. The bruises would fade. The cuts would heal. He tensed as the door opened and Sirius entered, but remained looking away, even as he heard the sharp intake of breath. Sirius knelt next to Remus and gently touched his back, shocked at the deep, angry bruises, turning his skin a mottled purplish black. Remus flinched away.

'Rem...' Sirius whispered. 'Look at me.'

'I don't want to.' Remus mumbled, his voice suddenly thick with tears.

He winced as Sirius brushed over split skin.

'Who did this?'

'Nobody. I fell.'

'You lie.' Sirius hissed, grabbing Remus' chin and tilting his head toward him.

Remus' eyes, though brimming with tears, were defiant.

'You're getting wet.' he whispered.

Sirius got to his feet and began to pace.

'God Rem, you honestly think that I care about a little water when you have just had the shit kicked out of you? How fickle do you think I am?'

Remus had turned off the water and was pulling trousers on over his still damp legs. Sirius strode over to him and pulled him into a hug that was crushing yet gentle. Remus began to cry, silent, heaving sobs.

'Why you Rem?'

'Because I'm gay.' he mumbled into Sirius' chest.

He tensed, not having meant to say that, but there was no change from Sirius.

'That's no reason to beat you.'

Remus pulled out of Sirius embrace, running a hand through his still wet hair. His breathing was ragged and the room was full of the scent of Sirius; motor oil and chocolate and the earth after it rains. Remus couldn't think clearly.

'I...' he started.

'Rem?' Sirius asked.

Remus struggled into a t-shirt, staring wide-eyed at Sirius the whole time.

'I...' he tried again.

Sirius frowned.

'I don't care Rem.' he whispered.

Remus shook his head. That wasn't what was suffocating him.

'I have to go.' he finally whispered.

Sirius watched as his friend fled. He followed slowly. The curtains around Remus' bed had been drawn and muffled sobs could be heard. James was staring at him angrily.

'What did you do this time?'

'Nothing, I... At least I don't think I did anything.'

Sirius stepped toward Remus' bed but stopped as someone called up that Sofia was waiting for him.

'Fuck. Why?' Sirius hissed, storming out of the room.

James sighed and moved to Remus' bedside.

'Rem, are you alright?'

'M'fine.' Remus mumbled,

'Whatever Sirius did, I'm sure it was an accident.'

'Wasn't him.'

'Right. Well, we have potions soon. We'd better-'

The curtains flung open and Remus grinned half-heartedly at his friend, the effect somewhat deadened by the swollen eyes and tear-stained cheeks. James grinned too, his tinged with concern. Remus wiped his eyes.

'I'm fine.' he said, pulling his robes on. 'Let's go, we don't want to be late.'

--

Entering the classroom, the first thing Remus saw was Sirius, sitting with the Ravenclaws, his face being...devoured. Remus found no other word to describe it. He averted his eyes and rushed to his seat, flanked by James and Peter, neither of whom missed the evil glint in Malfoy's eyes. They shot questioning glances at Remus, who shrugged. Sirius disengaged himself from the girl and sank in his seat just as the professor entered the room. As the lesson progressed, Remus found a note discreetly pushed before him.

**Mr. Padfoot wishes to apologize.**

_Mr. Moony accepts._

**Mr. Padfoot is ****cons**** concerned about Mr. Moony.**

_Mr. Moony is fine and thinks that Mr. Padfoot should mind his own business._

Remus didn't have to look up to see the hurt on Sirius' face. He was mad though, and taking it out on Sirius was all he could do. He ignored all other notes.

--

As it grew nearer to the next full moon the boys barely saw Sirius, his time being monopolized by Sofia.

'I'll be there.' Sirius hissed to James as Sofia called him away on the afternoon of the full moon. 'I would **never** let Remus down.'

James knew this. So why, as Sirius walked away, did he feel so uneasy?

--

Sirius kept an eye on the time, a fact which did not go unnoticed by Sofia. Finally the time came to leave. He kissed Sofia tenderly on the forehead and stood up. Her eyes flashed angrily.

'Where are you going?' she asked.

'I...Rem has offered to help me with the potions essay.'

'You spend more time with him than with me.' she pouted.

'Are you serious? I've barely even seen my friends with you around!'

'I'm your girlfriend.'

'You are blackmailing me! But I'm not getting into this now.'

Sirius began to walk away.

'Oh no you don't.' Sofia whispered.

Sirius' last coherent thought was for Remus.


	3. Chapter 3

'He's not coming.' Remus whispered to the silent room.

Apprehension filled him. He'd warned James and Peter...who knew how Moony would act without Padfoot? Remus did know, though. Moony would be exceedingly violent, and Remus may not survive. Like before his friends knew. Remus sighed and waited for the change.

--

Remus awoke slowly, the room blindingly white. The infirmary. He looked around him. Peter was asleep in a chair in front of the door. James was on the end of his bed, his arm in a sling. There was still no Sirius.

'Prongs?' Remus whispered.

James looked up, his gaze haunted.

'Remus. How...do you feel?' he asked.

'I've felt worse. Did...I do that?'

'No Rem. Moony did. Sirius never showed.' James couldn't disguise his anger. 'You've been out for nearly a week. We thought you were dead...'

'A week?'

James nodded solemnly before wrapping him in a hug.

'Don't scare me like that Rem.' he hissed.

Remus laughed softly.

'And Sirius?'

'Bastard was with his girlfriend. We've kept him out of here.'

'He...forgot?'

Remus felt a small part of him die. Sure, he wasn't very important, but he had thought he was important enough for his friend to remember him. He sighed, choking back the tears.

'What happened?'

'You...you tore your stomach open. There was so much blood Rem.'

Remus sighed again.

'I'm sorry about your arm. Did I hurt Peter?'

'No. Being a rat has its uses.' Peter muttered from the chair, where he was rubbing his eyes as he woke. 'I'll get Madame Pomfrey.' he mumbled, hauling himself from the chair.

As he opened the door Sirius flew in, throwing himself on Remus. Remus cried out in pain and Peter and James wrenched Sirius off.

'Rem, I'm so...you're-' he babbled.

'Go away Sirius.' Remus cut in.

'Rem?'

'I thought I meant something, anything to you. You forgot me.'

'I didn't-'

'You heard him Sirius.' James snarled, pushing his friend out the door.

'Rem?' Sirius whispered, his voice and his heart breaking.

As the door shut in his face he saw red and felt an overwhelming desire to hurt something. He screamed and punched the mirrored medicine cabinet, bits of glass embedding themselves in his fist. He stalked away to find the source of his anger.

--

'You stupid bitch.' Sirius hissed in her ear, his grip too tight on the back of her neck.

'You're hurting me.' she whined.

'Not enough. Not nearly enough.'

Something in Sirius' eyes convinced Sofia of the severity of the situation.

'What did I do?' she asked.

'I told you I had to go. And you fucking curse me! Do you have any idea how much restraint it is taking not to twist your pretty little head off?'

'It was just a joke...'

'Some fucking joke. We're through, although it's not like we ever really began in the first place.'

'I'll-'

'You'll what? Tell everyone I cried out Remus' name whilst fucking you? What does that say about you? You simply could not hold my interest. I don't know why you are in Ravenclaw. Someone as spiteful as you would be right at home in Slytherin.'

Sirius finally released her, looking at her darkly before stalking from the room. He went to the dorms, throwing himself on his bed and crying until he fell into a fitful sleep.

--

Remus had more or less discharged himself from the infirmary, much to Madame Pomfrey's consternation. He was leaning heavily on James, wincing as the stitches on his stomach pulled. They had managed to fix most of him up magically, but the layers of skin rent by claws were the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. And so he was left with stitches and bandages.

'How much further?' he hissed through clenched teeth.

'Almost there Rem. Don't worry.' James whispered.

Peter hovered uselessly just behind them, secretly wishing Sirius were there. He would've just whipped Remus up into his arms and they would be there by now. His fear of werewolves had been rekindled after the weekends events. He wasn't afraid of Remus...although his unease was very apparent. Remus sank to the ground, moaning in pain.

'I can't walk anymore.' he whispered. 'Peter...go get Sirius.'

Peter nodded and ran off as fast as he could. James sat next to Remus and sighed.

'Are you sure?

'Who else is going to help? I can't very well stay here. Besides...I can't always expect you guys to be able to be there.'

'I would never-'

'James. One day something will keep you from coming. I have to accept that. I've dealt with Moony on my own before, and I can do it again. It's fine.'

James nodded. Remus was glad one of them believed it. He was still hurt that Sirius had forgotten him, but as he strode down the corner he looked so much like the knight in shining armor from a fairytale that Remus wanted to forgive him. He cried out as Sirius picked him up, cradling him against his chest.

'Remus, I-'

'Don't Pads. I know.' Remus whispered, burying his face in Sirius' chest.

Sirius swiftly carried his friend to Gryffindor Tower and placed him gently on his bed.

'Thanks...' Remus whispered.

'Anything Rem. Anytime.' Sirius responded, touching Remus cheek.

Unfortunately he did so with his bloodied hand.

'Your hand...' Remus muttered, grabbing it in his own.

'It's nothing Rem. You rest.' Sirius said, pulling away.

Remus lay back, exhausted from his trip. He was so hurt still that he had been forgotten...but he couldn't stay mad. Despite the pain, he realized that he was in love with Sirius. He knew he would never be loved back, but they could at least be friends. James grabbed Sirius' robes, pushing him onto his bed and away from Remus.

'What are you doing?' James asked.

'I have to make it up to him. It's my fault he's like this.'

'Damn straight.'

'I should've known better. Sofia was crazy, man. And now...Remus...'

Tears threatened to spill over and he looked at the ground. He would never forgive himself for doing this.

'At least it's the weekend.' James muttered.

'Huh?'

'He can relax. And you, Mr. Black, are to be at his side constantly. You **will** make this up to him...if you even can. What if he'd died?'

'I know...' Sirius whispered. 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry for him and I'm sorry for you.'

'I don't matter. My arm will be fine. I just have to take the damn potion, which I will tonight.'

Sirius sighed heavily, his hands shaking. He looked at James before sitting on the end of Remus' bed.

'Pads?' Remus asked.

'Just rest.' Sirius responded.

Remus sighed softly, closing his eyes. He didn't want to sleep, he wanted to scream at Sirius and hit him and... He fell asleep, trying to decipher how he could mean something to someone as important as Sirius, so he wouldn't be forgotten again.

--

Remus groaned, waking slowly to find Sirius sitting on the end of his bed, watching him. He was almost trembling with the effort it was taking to keep quiet and still.

'Mornin' Rem.' he whispered.

'Good Morning Pads. How long have you been sitting there.'

'A while. You cried out. I thought...'

'I'm ok. You shouldn't have worried.'

What they left unsaid was the subtle acrid stench that indicated the beginnings of infection, deemed unimportant as Remus would heal. He always did.

'What time is it?' Remus asked, rubbing his eyes.

'About 11 or so.'

'What? You let me sleep in?'

'You needed it Rem.'

Remus tried to sit up and winced. Sirius grimaced.

'Get up Moonikins and I will take you somewhere...splendiferous.'

'I just want to go to the library.'

Sirius grinned and tossed clothes at Remus. Remus dressed as quickly as he was able. Sirius couldn't quash his guilt at the bandages wrapped around his waist.

'Rem...I'm so sorry.' he whispered.

Remus smiled crookedly, wanting to tell Sirius that it was fine. But it wasn't. And the hesitation let Sirius know that. Still he grinned and whisked Remus into his arms, carrying him down the stairs.

'Sirius, I am quite sure that I can walk. Put me down.'

'Never!' Sirius cried theatrically.

Remus wriggled in his grasp but cried out as the stitches pulled.

'Did I hurt you?' Sirius asked.

'No. Put me down.'

Sirius shook his head and continued carrying Remus through the castle.

'Uh, Pads? That was the library.' Remus said as they passed it.

'I know. But we aren't going to the library. We are going outside.'

'Why?'

'Because it is sunny. And nice. And sunny.'

'You said that already. I'd rather be in the library.'

'Really? Don't you want to see James' latest effort at wooing Miss Evans?'

'Mm...Sirius...I'd really rather...'

Remus found himself distracted by Sirius' eyes and nodded slowly. Sirius carried him out and Remus realized it was indeed rather sunny. Sirius gently put Remus on the banks of the lake and unceremoniously plopped down beside him.

'See? Sunny.' Sirius grinned.

Remus found himself grinning back, despite the pain he still felt. Sirius leaned back in the grass, placing his hands behind his head, thinking about what a perfect day it was to be here with Remus. To think he'd almost lost him...

'Rem?' Sirius whispered.

'Mm?'

'Are you...sure you are ok?'

Before Remus could answer they were interrupted bu Lily screeching at James. She stalked past, sopping wet, looking incredibly mad, with James following, stammering apologies. Remus chuckled softly.

'He's not having much luck, now is he?' Sirius muttered.

'Our Prongs does seem to be unlucky in love.' Remus responded.

Sirius sighed heavily, wanting so much to touch Remus but fearing repercussions. All of a sudden he felt Remus curl into him.

'Rem?' he asked.

'I don't feel so well Pads.' Remus whispered.

'Poor Remmy...s'my fault.'

'Mm...'

Sirius opened his eyes, realizing why Remus was feeling unwell.

'You need to eat something.' he muttered.

'Probably.' Remus responded.

He stood slowly, stretching. The sun had warmed him pleasantly and he grinned, beginning the walk to the castle. He heard Sirius get up and come after him.

'Leaving without me?' Sirius asked.

'You caught up.'

--

'It was perfect.' James moaned.

'Except for getting her soaked.' Peter said.

'And then making entirely inappropriate sexual remarks.' Remus said.

'Well, yes. But other than that...'

Remus smiled and sipped his tea.

'Other than that you would've had her.' Sirius grinned.

'Exactly!' James cried. 'What about your girl?'

Sirius' eyes darkened.

'She's crazy.' he whispered.

Remus couldn't help but feel that seemed slightly ominous.

--

By Monday you didn't need canine senses to smell the infection. Remus was pale and feverish and delirious as Sirius carried him down to the infirmary. _Why isn't he getting better_? he wondered. Madame Pomfrey sent them away to their lessons and Sirius couldn't help but feel guilty for leaving Remus, so frail looking swathed in white sheets, but no amount of the infamous Black charm convinced her to let him stay. Sirius shook his head, beginning to head up the stairs instead of down.

'Sirius? You do know we have potions, right?' James asked.

'I'm not going. I'll be in the library.' he muttered, walking off.

James thought he was going to faint. Sirius Black? Library? He sighed and headed to potions, Peter following slowly.

--

After potions they had a free lesson so James rushed up the stairs to see if Sirius was indeed in the library. Upon arrival he mock-fainted into Peter's arms. Sirius was sitting on the floor, surrounded by books.

'Pads?' James asked, having miraculously recovered from his "fainting" spell.

Sirius mumbled something incoherent, flipping pages frantically as his eyes roved randomly. James couldn't believe that Sirius was actually willingly reading a book. And not just one, either.

'Is he...alright?' Peter asked.

'I'm not sure.' James whispered.

'M'fine. Remus. Books. See, it's...not...impossible. Must.' he babbled.

James put his hand on Sirius' shoulder only to have it thrust off as Sirius leapt to his feet with a loud 'Ah-hah!'. Sirius raced off, taking the book with him, ignoring the librarian as she yelled after him. He skidded to a halt in the infirmary, hitting the wall and stammering incoherently at Madame Pomfrey and Dumbledore.

'Settle down son.' Dumbledore said kindly.

Sirius stopped and took a deep breath.

'Wolfsbane.' he said, holding the book out.

Dumbledore took it and nodded thoughtfully.

'Yes, that would explain...hmm...but that would mean...hmm...'

Madame Pomfrey narrowed her eyes.

'Wouldn't that mean someone who knew of his...lycanthropic tendencies poisoned him?' she asked.

'Not at all Poppy,' Dumbledore said. 'Remember, wolfsbane is a toxic herb to normal people as well. Highly dangerous.'

Madame Pomfrey sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of her nose.

'Of course. But who on earth would do this?'

'I have an idea.' Sirius whispered.

--

It was all over the school within a matter of hours. Sofia had been taken away to St. Mungo's, after expulsion from the school. Trying to kill another student, after all, was entirely unacceptable. Sirius was being crushed under the guilt he felt. It was all his fault. Everything. His fault. Sirius stared at Remus' still form, crying silently. Remus' eyes fluttered and he looked around him, his gaze settling on Sirius.

'Not crying for me are you?' he asked.

Sirius snuffled and flung himself at Remus, carefully avoiding his injured stomach.

'Pads...air...' Remus gasped.

'Sorry.' he whispered, pulling back. 'For everything.'

Remus looked at him, confused. Sirius took a deep breath and told Remus everything...except for what had caused him to date the girl in the first place. When he was done he avoided Remus' gaze, sliding off the bed.

'I'm not the kind of friend you deserve.' he whispered.

'Sirius Orion Black. Don't you ever say that.' Remus hissed.

Sirius looked up, meeting his friends amber gaze. In that moment he realized just how much he loved Remus. He let out a shaky breath, and wrapped his arms around Remus' neck, breathing in deep the scent of him.

'I'm sorry.' he whispered again.

Remus tried to remember to breath. Sirius let him go and he sat up.

'I'm feeling much better now, so...'

Sirius caught on and left the room in search of Madame Pomfrey.

'Oh God...Sirius...' Remus whispered, covering his face with his hands.

He allowed himself a moment of collapse before composing himself again. Madame Pomfrey entered the room and tutted at him.

'You shouldn't leave.' she said.

'I'm feeling a lot better,' Remus replied, pushing aside the sheets and exposing the cuts. 'Plus, look. They are healing.'

Madame Pomfrey shook her head and ruffled Remus' hair affectionately.

'Mr. Lupin, you really are amazing.' she muttered as Remus slipped out of the room, supported by Sirius.

As they entered the common room Sirius seemed to return to his normal cheery self as he grabbed James and spun him around, crying "Remmie's ok! He really really is!' Remus chuckled softly, flopping into the big chair he usually sat in before the fire. Sirius came and sat on the arm, flinging his legs into Remus' lap.

'Rem?'

'Hm?'

'I'm glad you are ok.' he said, his eyes sparkling.

'Me too.' Remus responded.

--

The Christmas holidays came creeping up on them all too soon. The boys stood awkwardly on the platform, saying their farewells, promising to see each other again at the famous Potter Christmas party. Remus was the last to leave Sirius, waving forlornly at the boy as he waited for his mother to arrive. Their relationship was still slightly strained, but if you squinted you wouldn't even notice. Sirius sighed, guiltily thankful for a break from Remus. The way he felt every day...well, it got tiring having to hide it.

--

_Sirius,_

_Remus is...ok. That's the first thing you need to know._

_The second thing is that he's staying with me._

_He asked me not to tell you. But I am._

_See you at the party._

_James._


	4. Chapter 4

Sirius was aggravated. There was still a week until the party. And he was grounded. Which meant he couldn't go anywhere until the party. He paced angrily in his room. That damn letter. Who sends a letter like that anyway? _Remus is...ok. What does that even mean? Why start a letter with that? What if he's not ok?_ Sirius' thoughts rambled. He had to get out of there.

'Mother!' he cried, stalking through the house.

He found her in the study, peering disdainfully down her nose at him.

'What do you want now?' she asked acidly.

'I have to go Mother. One of my friends is in trouble.'

'Is that any concern of mine? I don't think so. Back to your room.'

'You can't stop me.' he hissed under his breath.

He stormed back to his room, throwing some of his more important belongings in a trunk, which he shrunk and placed in his pocket. He threw on his leather jacket and left the house, calling out 'I'm leaving Mother' as he did. As he sped off on his motorbike he heard his mother screech after him that he was going to be taken off the family tree. Properly disowned. He laughed into the wind. He'd never felt so free.

--

'Sirius?' James asked, his eyes bulging.

'Mm? Yeah. I left. Um...should never start a letter like that Jamesey.'

'But...I told you he was ok.'

'Mm. Didn't sound very convincing though. So ta-da. Here I am.'

'You should go home.'

'I can't. I've officially been obliterated from the family tree.'

James let Sirius in, muttering that Remus was going to kill him for this. Sirius swooped James' mum into a dance, praising her beauty. She laughed at him and swatted him away.

'Another friend needing sanctuary, hey James?'

Sirius nodded meekly.

'I don't want to impose. I'm sure I can find somewhere else...'

'No, no. You'll just have to sleep on the floor.'

'Fantastic!' Sirius grinned. 'Now where's Remmy?'

James snarled and pulled Sirius after him into his room.

'I told you he was fine. I also believe I told you he didn't want you to know.'

'Yes. You did tell me all those things. But...' Sirius trailed off.

He didn't want to go into how he felt. How scared he was that Remus was suffering. How hurt he felt when he realized how much their relationship had been damaged that he wouldn't want him to know. How much he loved him.

'Sirius Black. You had better have a good reason for this stunt.'

'I, I do.'

'Well? What is it?'

'I...' Sirius looked James in the eye, begging him not to make him say it.

James staggered backwards, sighing heavily.

'You've got to be kidding.' he mumbled, sitting on his bed.

'I wish. Do you know how much I've tried **not** to feel this?' Sirius hissed.

'Does he know?'

'Now that would be daft. No, of course he doesn't. Now where is he?'

'He's with his mother. No, I will not explain. I think that's up to Remus.'

'What's up to me?' Remus asked, entering the room.

He paled as he saw Sirius.

'What are you doing here?' Remus gasped.

'I got kicked out, obliterated off the family tree. James here was kind enough to take me in.' Sirius said.

James was thankful Sirius had left him out of it; the last thing he needed was for Remus to get mad at him. They watched as Remus' left eye twitched and his lips trembled and then he launched himself at Sirius, wrapping his arms around him and sobbing into his chest. James coughed softly and left the room.

'Remus.' Sirius whispered into the top of his head.

Remus pressed against him tighter, searching for much needed comfort. Sirius stroked his face softly, whispering soothingly in his ear. Finally Remus stopped shaking, but still did not release Sirius, for he was warm and comforting and just what he needed, even though he tried to pretend otherwise.

'Remus?' Sirius whispered, wanting to push him away and keep him close all at the same time.

'M'fine.' Remus mumbled. 'M'sorry.'

'No need.'

Remus slowly pulled away, looking into Sirius' eyes and finding them full of concern and...something else. Something undefinable. He smiled crookedly.

'Ok?' Sirius asked.

'Ok.' Remus responded.

'Did you want to...explain?'

Remus shook his head slowly.

'I'll show you. Tomorrow.'

Sirius nodded and they went downstairs to find James moaning about a letter he received from Lily.

'She's not coming to the party.' he cried.

'No?' Sirius asked, feigning astonishment.

'You could at least pretend to care.' he muttered.

'Oh, but we do. We do care that Lily, who so far this year you have drenched, set her hair alight, turned her skin that awful green, and made her hiccup confetti, is, surprise surprise, not coming to your house for a party.' Remus said.

'Well, when you say it like that, it makes it sound like I did all that stuff on purpose.'

Sirius smiled.

'When in love you do crazy things.' he said softly.

James and Remus both stared at Sirius.

'What? I can be deep and profound too you know.' he said, sticking his tongue out at them.

--

Sirius stared at Remus as they stood outside the entrance to St. Mungo's. Remus gripped Sirius' hand in his, palm slick with sweat.

'Are you sure?' Sirius asked.

'She'll like you.' Remus whispered.

Sirius followed Remus, silently, wanting to take him in his arms and make the pain go away. They entered the room in which his mother was being kept and Sirius gasped. She looked so fragile. She looked at them, her eyes glassy.

'Oh hello Remus. Have you seen the carrots today?' she asked.

'No Mom. I haven't. This is my friend Sirius.'

'Pleased to meet you ma'am.' Sirius said.

'Hello young man. Have you seen the carrots?'

'I don't believe so, no.' he whispered, looking questioningly at Remus.

'Ah.'

She looked at Remus again and her gaze changed. Her eyes grew wide and she began to scream. Remus began to cry and fled the room. Sirius shrugged at the doctor that came in and raced after him. He found Remus on the ground outside the hospital, sobbing again. He pulled him into an embrace, holding him fiercely.

'Remus.' he whispered.

Remus struggled against his grip.

'Let me go Sirius. It's my fault she's here. She...I've told her not to look. But, she did. She had to, she said. I was screaming. And...she saw me for the monster I truly am.'

'You're not a monster Rem.'

'I AM! A monster even my own mother couldn't love. She's lost her mind. Who could love someone like me if my own mother can't?'

Sirius waited three breaths. In that time he told himself it wasn't a good idea but he was going to do it anyway. He leaned in close, his lips brushing Remus' ear.

'I could.' he whispered.

Remus' breath hitched, catching in his throat. He clutched at Sirius' shirt, pulling him tight.

'You can't mean that.' he hissed.

'But I do.' Sirius responded, catching Remus' lips in his own.

Remus leant into the kiss, not believing this was happening. His hands wound their way into Sirius' hair, pulling him deeper, closer. He moaned softly. The need for air forced their lips apart, but they remained in the same position, foreheads touching.

'Sirius Black...' Remus gasped.

'Hm?'

'Did you just kiss me?'

'Mm...I do believe I did. Did you mind?'

Remus sighed. Sirius released him. A sigh was not the response he wanted. He stood, holding his hand out. Remus grabbed it and hauled himself up.

'Sorry Rem.' Sirius mumbled, his face burning with shame.

He couldn't believe he'd done that. He really couldn't. How could he? He sighed as well and they headed back to the Potter's house, an awkward silence settling over them.

--

'I buggered up James.' Sirius whispered forlornly, having absconded with James as soon as they returned.

'What now Sirius? Another crazy girlfriend?'

James apologized as Sirius flinched.

'I...' he paused, reminding himself to breathe. 'I damn well kissed him.'

James shook his head.

'Why?'

'I don't know. He was just so...sad. And he thought no one loved him. And that's not true! Because I do! And I just... I buggered up.'

James grinned at him.

'It's not so bad.'

'It's terrible.' Sirius groaned, covering his head with a pillow.

James laughed softly and walked out of the room in search of Remus. He found him in the garden, head in a book. James sat next to him and immediately noticed that he wasn't actually reading.

'Rem?' he asked.

'Mm...oh, hi James.'

'Is everything ok?'

'Yes. No. I don't... James. I think I...may have buggered up.'

'Oh?' James suppressed a chuckle.

'Yeah. Sirius...he...' Remus paused, swallowing his pride. 'He kissed me.'

'Really?'

'Mm. And I...I sighed. What sort of response is that? How could I...how could he... James?'

'Remus...do you love him?'

'I...it's complicated.' Remus muttered.

'Really? Either you love him, or you don't.'

'I don't know James. What is love anyway? It's...undefinable. I... I need Sirius, James. I need him like I need to breath. And I hate him, because I am so damn dependent on him. And because I am not damn important enough to him. I can never be important enough. Don't you see? Because he's Sirius Black. And I'm...I'm nobody. So I don't know if I love him James. I just don't know.'

With that Remus stalked away. James stared after him, flabbergasted. He needed to help his friends before they self-destructed. He sighed and got up, rushing into the house. If this was going to work he was going to need some help.

--

The night of the Christmas party found Sirius hiding in the bathroom, pleasantly tipsy from pilfered Fire Whiskey. He didn't want to go to the party because Remus would be there. Which was an entirely stupid reason, he knew, for they had been living together, but he had managed to almost totally avoid Remus, and was sure that he would not have such luck at the party. James was sitting against the door, trying to get Sirius to come out.

'It won't be so bad.' he said.

'Will.'

'Sirius Black. Come out of there right now.'

'Nope.'

'Sirius, this is ridiculous. I am not spending the entire night talking to you through the door.'

'So go.'

'People will eventually need to use the bathroom.'

Sirius groaned and got up, knowing this was true. He opened the door and frowned down at James.

'Party on then.' he muttered bitterly, swigging from the bottle.

James sighed, taking the bottle and putting it back in the cupboard before leading Sirius downstairs. The party was in full swing it seemed and Sirius quickly got swept away in the music, dancing by himself in a corner. Lily (who had decided to come to the party after hearing James' plan) came over to him and took his hands.

'Hey Black. Do you want to go for a walk?'

Sirius nodded, following her out into the cool night air. At almost the same time James was convincing Remus to go with him. Finally Remus agreed, but regretted his decision as soon as he saw Sirius outside with Lily. Unfortunately James had forseen this and so had a rather tight grip on Remus' arm. Remus looked at James angrily. He could break free if he wanted, but he didn't want to hurt his friend. Sirius was looking at anything but Remus being dragged toward him.

'You red-headed wench!' he hissed. 'You tricked me.'

'Suck it up Sirius.' Lily whispered.

'Now you two are damn well going to talk. Especially if you wish to remain living in my house. It's ridiculous!' James cried, shoving Remus at Sirius before taking Lily's arm and stalking back inside.

Remus shivered in the breeze and Sirius slung his jacket over his shoulders. Remus sighed, snuggling into it, breathing in the scent.

'So...' he whispered.

'So...' Sirius responded.

'Sirius I-' 'Remus I-' they said at the same time.

They laughed softly and fell into silence. Finally Sirius thought it might be worth it to try and speak to him.

'Remus, I just want to apologize. I don't know what I was thinking. Really. I mean... I'm sorry. I really am. I never ever intended to hurt you.'

Remus sighed.

'Sirius, can I ask you something?'

Sirius nodded.

'Do you... How do you feel? About me.'

'I... You...' Sirius stopped and looked Remus in the eyes. 'When I figured out what Sofia had done I wanted to kill her. Rip her into tiny pieces. Because I thought I'd lost you. And then I wanted to kill myself, for bringing her into our lives, for letting her do that to you. I just... If you had died, Remus, I don't know what I would've done. It would've been something grievously stupid. Undoubtedly. Because, Remus John Lupin, I...I love you.'

Remus knew from the look in Sirius' eyes that he was telling the truth. He wanted to cry and vomit and scream for joy. Instead he tentatively took one of Sirius' hands in his own.

'Sirius. Let me talk now. I love you too, I believe I always have. But it's more than that. I need you. And I hate you because I need you so much. But I love you...so much.' he whispered, not sure if Sirius would understand. 'I love that you are loud, and clumsy, and troublesome, and I love that you don't like anything I do. I love that you always treat everything as though it is the most exciting thing in the world. I-'

Remus was cut off by Sirius' lips against his.

'You were rambling.' Sirius mumbled.

'I panicked.' Remus responded.

Remus sighed happily, looking around him in amazement.

'It's snowing.' he whispered.

'Indeed.' Sirius said.

'You two had better get in here before you catch your deaths in the cold!' Mrs. Potter cried out the window.

Sirius cackled wildly, crying 'Never!'

Remus chuckled softly and then it sunk in; Sirius was drunk. Very, very drunk. He began to cough, choking on his own stupidity.

'Sirius...' he whispered in a small voice.

'Mm?'

'You're drunk.'

'Not nearly drunk enough.' he cried, reaching for Remus' hand.

Remus leapt backwards, shaking his head.

'Nononononononono...' he moaned, running off into the snowy night.

--

Sirius awoke feeling like he had been hit by a truck, his mouth filled with something furry. He lifted himself from the carpet, gagging. He heard a soft moan and turned to find James stirring nearby, Lily lying on his chest.

'What on earth happened?' he gasped.

'Merlin knows.' James responded. 'Last I knew, you came inside mumbling about Remus.'

'Where is he anyway?' Lily mumbled.

Sirius frowned, trying to remember. It came rushing back in and he grasped his head.

'Oh God.' he moaned.

'Hm?' James asked.

'Gone. He's gone.'

--

Remus let out a shaky breath before knocking on the door. Severus opened it and looked in surprise at his visitor.

'Remus?' he asked.

'I...I need a place to stay.' Remus whispered. 'I need to get away from him.'

Severus opened the door wider, allowing him entry. He chose, rather tactfully, to ignore the tear-stains on Remus' cheeks.


	5. Chapter 5

When Hogwarts returned after Christmas, everyone noticed the strange tension between Sirius and Remus. It was kind of hard not to given that Remus had begun hanging around Severus and Lily, effectively ignoring Sirius as much as possible. Sirius had withdrawn into himself, so there were no disasters, no pranks. Even the teachers were worried. Sirius wandered aimlessly through the school, unmindful of his surroundings. He barely ever made it to classes anymore, unless James or Peter were with him to steer him in the right direction. His thoughts were only on Remus. Remus, who he almost had. Remus, who believed it was drunken idiocy. Remus, who was gone. Gone from his life. Perhaps forever.

'Sirius...you have to talk to him.' James whispered, sitting opposite Sirius in the library.

'He won't talk to me...' Sirius moaned.

Suddenly Peter entered the room, collapsing into a chair next to James. Looking up, James noticed the odd expression on his face.

'Pete, mate, is everything alright?'

'I...I...I think...I may have just seen...I think I saw Remus and Severus...I think they were...kissing...' he muttered, staring blankly ahead.

Sirius let out an anguished cry and ran from the room. James smacked Peter across the back of the head, jolting him out of his trance.

'What did I do?' he whined, rubbing his head.

--

Sirius was pacing back and forth before the lake, unmindful of the cold whipping through his body. Clad only in jeans and a t-shirt he was spectacularly under-dressed for outside, but hadn't been planning on leaving the castle so it hadn't mattered. He was muttering under his breath, his eyes widened with the pain he felt inside. He was consumed by it, a strange twisting in his gut. He found he couldn't even cry. It hurt too much. He'd lost Remus forever. He wanted to die; there was nothing worth living for anymore. Nothing. He stopped pacing and stared over the lake, sighing heavily, before throwing himself in.

--

Remus pushed Severus away gently, not wanting to hurt his feelings.

'Severus...you're a good friend, but I don't...I just don't feel that way about you.' he whispered.

'I know...' Severus sighed. 'You love Sirius.'

'I know it's stupid.'

'It's not.'

'Thank you for understanding Severus.' Remus whispered.

He kissed Severus' forehead before leaving the room, hoping he had time to make this right. He ran into James in the corridor and took in the fearful expression on his face.

'James?' he asked tentatively.

'You! Sirius is gone and I'm afraid he's going to do something fucking stupid. All because of you!'

'What did I do?'

'Snivellus, apparently.'

Remus paled.

'I...how...'

'Peter saw you Remus.'

'We don't have time for this argument. We have to find Sirius.' Remus cried.

Just then Hagrid entered the corridor, Sirius' limp body in his arms.

'Out of the way boys, got to get him up to the infirmary.' he said gruffly.

James stared in horror as Remus fell to his knees, feeling like his life was slipping out from under him.

--

Remus sat in the room with Sirius' unconscious body, as far away as he could be. He had been told to stay exactly where he was until James returned. Remus stared in horror at the body of the boy he loved. The boy who had thrown himself in the Black Lake in the middle of winter, wearing jeans and a t-shirt. The tears had long since dried out, but the pain Remus felt was drowning him. He wanted to scream, but couldn't find the voice to do so. He had explained to James, to Lily, to Peter, to anyone who would listen to him that he had done nothing with Severus and that he loved Sirius and he couldn't die. He just couldn't. Now he sat in the chair so far away, feeling the tremors running through his body at the thought that he had caused this. Him. He was a monster. With that thought he began to cry anew. As such, he missed the small signs indicating Sirius was waking up. A stretching of his limbs. A fluttering of his eyelids. A soft sigh. Sirius opened his eyes to see what he thought was Remus sitting in a chair across the other side of the room, sobbing like the world was ending. Sirius remained quiet, just watching, trying to piece together what had happened. He remembered throwing himself in the lake...but why? As he remembered he let out a strangled cry. Remus head snapped up, eyes widening despite the tears spilling from them.

'S-sirius?' he gasped.

'Why are you here?' Sirius whispered hoarsely.

'I...James...' Remus mumbled, wiping his eyes.

Sirius sneered.

'I don't want you here.'

'I...let me explain. I know what Peter said-'

'Yes. Fantastic that. You know, I meant everything I said that night at the Potter's, Rem. I may have been drunk, but I wasn't that drunk. Apparently you were just lying though. Why?'

'I didn't do anything with Severus!' Remus cried. 'And I would never lie to you!'

Sirius harrumphed and refused to listen to Remus' pleas. Remus decided to chance James' wrath and threw himself from the chair to the floor next to Sirius' bed, reaching blindly for his hand.

'Please believe me Sirius. I never...Severus kissed me, but I pushed him away! I meant everything I said. I love you Sirius Black.'

Sirius wouldn't look at him. If he did, he knew he would give in. And, although he loved Remus dearly, he was a Black after all, and they did not humiliate themselves so much.

'I can't believe you Remus.' Sirius whispered.

Remus cried out as the words cut into him like a knife. He composed himself and stood up.

'I'm sorry I'm such a monster.' he whispered, every ounce of his broken heart expressed in those words.

As Remus left the room he felt something hit him from behind. He struggled momentarily but as a warm mouth pressed against his own he relaxed.

'Sirius...' he gasped as a tongue slipped between his lips.

He felt hands roaming his body and responded by wrapping one hand in Sirius' hair and sliding the other down his back. He moaned as Sirius rolled their hips together and then stilled as he heard an amused cough from the doorway.

'Are we interrupting something?' Lily asked.

Remus turned red as Sirius picked himself up, holding a hand out. Remus took it gratefully and stood next to Sirius, still holding onto the hand tightly. Sirius grinned at James, Lily and Peter who were standing in the doorway.

'I thought I told you to stay over there?' James asked, a smile twitching the corners of his mouth.

'I get the feeling I've missed something...' Peter stated, looking faintly queasy.

Sirius pulled Remus into a tender kiss. Remus pulled back and nestled his head in the crook of Sirius' neck.

'Is this real?' he whispered.

'I do believe so.' Sirius responded.

'Sirius Black! What are you doing out of bed?' Madame Pomfrey gasped, coming up behind James, Lily and Peter.

'I made a miraculous recovery. Remus is the best cure for anything and everything.'

Remus blushed as a kiss was placed on his neck.

--

Remus awoke cradled in Sirius' arms. He kissed the hollow of his throat and trailed a hand down Sirius' torso, stopping at his pajama pants. Sirius bucked his hips, nuzzling into Remus' shoulder.

'Why' you stop?' he whined.

'Because we are in our dorm, with James and Peter sleeping not too far away.'

'You don't want them to hear our cries of passion?'

'Not particularly. But you could join me in the shower, if you wanted.' Remus whispered huskily.

Remus gasped as Sirius yanked him out of bed and into the bathroom, murmuring locking charms behind him. Remus yelped a little as Sirius nibbled on his neck, holding him tight.

'Mmm...Remus...' he mumbled.

Remus chuckled, pushing him away.

'Shower, Pads. Remember?'

Sirius whined, but stopped as Remus hooked his fingers in his pants and slid them off. Sirius stared at Remus, standing before him wearing nothing but a slight blush.

'Wow...' he whispered.

Remus laughed nervously before stepping into the shower, turning the water on. He gasped as he felt Sirius pressing against him, felt Sirius' arousal.

'Sirius?' he asked shakily.

'Shower.' Sirius responded, rubbing shower gel into Remus' chest.

Remus sighed, breathing in the scent of the gel, trying to control his breathing. As Sirius' hand dipped lower Remus' gasped, realizing that he was becoming quite aroused.

'Pads...' he moaned.

Sirius rained kisses on Remus' neck, murmuring how much he loved him as his hand slipped around Remus' erection. Remus flinched a little, afraid. His hips bucked as Sirius stroked him and he moaned his name.

'Sirius...unh...' he mumbled. 'St-stop...wait...'

Sirius did stop then, turning Remus around to face him. Remus looked at his face, blushing at the intensity of his gaze, then looked down, before deciding it best to stare somewhere in the middle. Unfortunately this meant he saw the scar down Sirius' side, the scar he had put there all those months ago. He touched it with trembling fingers.

'I'm a monster...' he whispered.

Sirius tilted Remus' chin up.

'You are **not** a monster. And if I ever hear you say that again... And you're killing the mood.'

Remus laughed softly, before trailing kisses down Sirius' stomach. Sirius gasped as Remus took him in his mouth, his hips thrusting automatically. He tried to still them, for he was fairly sure that this would make for a difficult explanation of death...and Remus would be dead then. Remus raised a hand and held Sirius' hips still, thanking his werewolf strength for once that he would not die choking on Sirius' genitals. Remus felt Sirius twitch above him as he came, crying out Remus' name. Remus stood, kissing Sirius' tenderly as Sirius braced himself against the wall.

'Merlin Rem...' he gasped.

'We better get ready now, James and Peter will be getting up soon.'

Sirius grinned.

'Well, yes, but I do believe I owe **you** something now.'

'Oh Sirius, you don't...oh...'

There was a knock on the door.

'Geez, you guys have been in there for ages. What are you doing Pads? Eating him?'

Sirius cried out 'I'm trying to', but given his mouth was full it came out more like 'Mffrnnmph'. It still had the desired effect for Remus distinctly heard James say 'Oh. Ew.' and walk away. Now they would be left alone for a few more minutes...unless James was feeling particularly bitter towards Peter. Remus gasped and whispered Sirius' name, much more quiet in his ecstasy than Sirius had been. Sirius stood and Remus wrapped his arms around him, murmuring his name into his shoulder.

--

Remus noticed that Sirius looked miserable. By the time they'd made it down to breakfast there hadn't been any seats next to each other so they were sitting opposite each other, Remus next to Peter, Sirius next to James and Lily. Remus watched the glances Sirius kept shooting at James and Lily as they gently touched each other, as James kissed her, making her blush, as they behaved like a couple in love. And Remus knew it was hurting him. Sirius had told Remus they would keep their relationship quiet so people wouldn't make anything of it, for he knew how Remus hated being in the public eye. But Remus had just discovered something he hated much more, and that was seeing Sirius sad. He decided that there must be something of the Marauder in him after all as he got up from his seat. He moved around to Sirius, sitting in his lap and, winding a hand in his hair, kissed him passionately. He felt Sirius laugh into the kiss.

'My Loony Moony.' he whispered into Remus' ear.

Remus turned red at the whistles echoing around the room.

'Oops...' he whispered.

'Looks like you're more of a Marauder than you thought, hey Rem? Look what you've done.'

Remus thought he might spontaneously combust as Sirius rocked his hips a little, allowing Remus to feel exactly what he had done.

'Never took you for an exhibitionist.' someone said.

Remus looked up at Severus, who was twisting his hands nervously.

'I just wanted to say I'm glad you finally did it Remus.' he muttered, before fleeing Sirius' dark gaze.

Remus swatted his arm.

'He's not that bad Pads...' he whispered, distracting him again with a kiss.

_In for an inch, in for a mile_, he thought as Sirius kissed him back.

A/N: I don't know where to go from here...any suggestions?


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I know they aren't mine. You do too. So I don't really need to write this :P

Remus strolled idly through the halls, his arms laden with cake. Chocolate cake. Sirius had been very specific. Remus grinned just to think of Sirius. His boyfriend. He picked up the sound of someone walking behind him and paused, only to have the sound stop. He frowned and began to walk again, the sounds picking up again. He tried to remain calm, controlling his steps to remain even. It would do no good to indicate panic. He didn't know exactly why he felt so nervous. Finally he could stand it no longer and spun around to see... Nothing?

'Sirius?' he asked.

Silence.

'This isn't funny.'

Still nothing. He sighed and spun around, suddenly almost pressed against someone...a Slytherin. He could tell by the tie, but couldn't see the persons face. He gulped, and dropped the cake, ready to run, but his reactions were slowed and he felt his head dashed against the wall and then... Nothing.

--

Sirius smiled softly to himself, lying back on the couch before the fire. When he thought of Remus' earlier actions the pit of his stomach filled with a pleasant warmth. If only he could put into words how he felt. James noticed the goofy grin on his friends face and chuckled softly. Sirius sighed and sat up, looking longingly at the portrait door.

'Shouldn't he be back by now?' he whined.

'Probably...' James agreed.

--

Severus came to a stop before the Gryffindor portrait, panting heavily, barely able to breath let alone speak. But he had to... _Bloody Gryffindors and their bloody stairs_ he thought, trying to catch his breath.

'Please...' he gasped. 'Black...Potter...Pettigrew...'

The Fat Lady frowned down at him.

'Hurry!' he cried.

She vanished only to reappear seconds later, shaking her head.

'They won't come out.'

'Remus...trouble...please...'

She disappeared again, mumbling under her breath about disrespectful Slytherin students. The portrait flung open and Sirius stormed out, grabbing Severus by the throat and slamming him into the wall.

'What have you done you greasy fuck?' he hissed.

'Not...Remus...Lucius...' Severus gasped, his windpipe being crushed.

Sirius released him and he crumpled on the floor.

'What?'

'Lucius... Hates homosexuals, mud-bloods... Overheard...get Remus...'

'Speak clearly Snape.' Sirius muttered, concerned and terrified, crouching down next to him.

'Lucius is going to hurt Remus. Badly.' Severus cried, grabbing Sirius' shirt, his eyes wide with fear.

Sirius growled and raced off. James looked at Severus, before holding out a hand and helping him up.

'He'll kill me if he finds out I told you.' Severus whispered.

'Told us what?' James muttered before taking off after Sirius.

Severus shook his head before quickly returning to the dungeons, hoping his absence hadn't been noted.

--

Remus awoke slowly, wondering what had happened. Every inch of him hurt. He faintly heard his name being called in what he recognized as Sirius' voice. The coppery tang of blood filled the air...was that him? He closed his eyes again, wanting to sleep so badly.

'Sirius...' he moaned.

Suddenly there was someone beside him, stroking his hair, picking him up and whispering under his breath.

'Sirius.' Remus mumbled.

'I'm here Remus. Oh Merlin...I only wish I was earlier.'

'M'fine.'

'Oh God Remus...'

Remus felt the warmth of tears soaking into his head, and surmised Sirius was crying. He didn't understand what was going on.

'Don't cry.' he whispered.

'How could he...? My Remus.'

'Don't...'

Remus felt his grip on consciousness fading again and was suddenly filled with a sense of panic.

'Sirius...I love you.' he whispered.

'I love you too Remus.' Sirius responded, his voice breaking as Remus grew limp.

A/N: Oh no! Is Remus ok? What did Lucius do? Well, you'll have to wait :P


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: I received a...constructive criticism that the boys were too weepy. I apologize if that is true, but I didn't intentionally do it; it just fit with the situations. I solemnly swear I will try to reduce the amount of time spent sobbing in further chapters. Enjoy.

Remus awoke slowly, wincing at the bright white of the infirmary. His head throbbed dreadfully but other than that he felt...fine. He sat up, groaning as the throbbing increased, his eyes settling on Sirius, asleep on the end of his bed. He smiled, wondering how he'd managed to convince Madame Pomfrey to let him stay. He nudged Sirius with his foot and his eyes flew open.

'Rem!' he cried before wrapping him tightly in an embrace.

'Sirius...air...' Remus gasped.

Sirius let him go, grinning sheepishly.

'Sorry Rem. Are you ok?'

'I...I think so, yes. What happened?'

'We don't know. There was so much blood Rem. But...you're fine. Who's blood was it?'

Remus felt his stomach drop. What had he done? He was going to be kicked out for sure...and that was the least of his worries. He could feel the lynch mob breathing down his neck. And would he have turned them, if he had bit them? He moaned, covering his face with his hands.

'Rem?' Sirius whispered.

'What did I do?' Remus muttered.

Both boys looked up as a gentle cough echoed throughout the room.

'Hello boys,' Dumbledore said, his expression grave. 'May I have a few moments with you alone Mister Lupin?'

Remus nodded mournfully. This was it. Sirius squeezed his hand reassuringly before leaving the room. Dumbledore sat in a chair next to the bed and sighed heavily.

'Do you have any idea what happened?' he asked Remus.

'No Professor, I... All I remember is that there was a Slytherin. Did I...hurt anyone?'

Dumbledore sighed again.

'Lucius Malfoy was taken to St. Mungo's this morning, near death from blood loss caused by multiple slashing wounds. We can only thank Merlin you didn't bite him... Still... This is a terrible position for both of us. I've tried, Mr. Lupin, I really have. But if you're going to prove a danger to other students...' he trailed off sorrowfully.

Remus nodded curtly, choking back tears. He'd cried too much of late.

'I understand completely Professor. How...how long?'

'I'm afraid you must be gone by the end of the day, before the Ministry gets word of this. Poppy has said you are perfectly healthy.'

Remus nodded again, meeting Madame Pomfrey's tear-filled eyes. He knew she'd always had a soft spot for him.

'Alright. I understand. Thank you for not...turning me in. There's nothing for it, is there?' he sighed, getting out of bed. 'Thank you for trying Professor. I...I'm sorry to have done this. Maybe they're right about us though.'

As Remus walked past Madame Pomfrey she placed a hand on his shoulder. He looked up at her questioningly.

'Right about what?' she asked softly.

'We're all just monsters.' he whispered in return, eyes clouded with sorrow.

She shook her head vehemently.

'I won't believe it. You take care of yourself Remus Lupin.'

'I will.'

He smiled crookedly before leaving. Madame Pomfrey turned to Dumbledore.

'Is there nothing that can be done Albus?'

'I'm afraid not Poppy.' Dumbledore said sadly.

--

'They can't do this!' Sirius cried in outrage, pacing back and forth.

'They're well within their rights Pads. They could've turned me in as well...should've. But they're not.' Remus responded, sitting on top of his trunk to force it closed.

James leant over to help him.

'Rem's right you know. He really wasn't supposed to be here at all. Sorry Rem, but it's true.'

'I know. I'll be fine. I'll...there's still the house.'

Sirius strode over to Remus and pulled him into a tight embrace.

'What about us?' he whispered.

'We'll...manage Sirius.' Remus responded.

Sirius sighed and kissed Remus crushingly, violently...possessively. Remus smiled and pulled away, grabbing his things. He looked at the room forlornly before sighing heavily.

'Well...I guess this is it...' he muttered.

As the Marauders left Gryffindor Tower they found Lily and Severus waiting for them.

'You weren't planning on leaving without saying goodbye to us, now were you?' Lily asked, her voice shaky as she wrapped her arms around Remus' neck.

Remus smiled at her as she went and stood next to James, clutching his hand. He turned to Severus, who was staring at the floor.

'If I'd been faster...' he mumbled.

'Nonsense.' Remus said sternly. 'Try not to take the things James and Sirius say to heart. You're a good person.'

Severus smiled softly.

'Goodbye Loony.' he whispered, to which Sirius growled.

Remus just laughed and looked at his friends, a cluster of more unlikely people you couldn't find. There was Sirius, tall and dark and charming. Peter, stocky and fair. James, scruffy, and Lily, sweet. And Severus, scowling but with a smile hidden in the depths of his eyes. Remus smiled at them before taking a picture; he always wanted to remember them like this.

'You know where to find me, should you need me.' he said, forcing cheer into his voice.

He walked away only to be grabbed from behind and spun around, kissed with an urgency and fear that didn't belong with Sirius.

'It's fine,' he whispered. 'I love you.'

'My Loony Moony...' Sirius whispered in return. 'Love doesn't even begin to cover it.'

Sirius released him and Remus left the only place he'd been fully accepted with a heavy heart.

--

_Moony, _

_I miss you. Are you sure you're ok? I know what time it is... Humor me._

_Pads._

--

_Pads,_

_I'm fine. How many times do I need to tell you this? I can handle it on my own._

_Moony._

--

_Moony,_

_I'm sorry. Imagine me staring at you with my big puppy eyes as you read that. I just...it's hard, being away from you. Especially when... I remember what happened last time you were alone. I couldn't stand to lose you._

--

_Pads,_

_I know. It'll be fine. Trust me. I love you._

--

_Moony,_

_You sap. I want to hear from you as soon as you wake up tomorrow. I need to know you're fine. Be safe._

--

_Moony,_

_Are you ok? Maybe you are too tired to respond, but please...I worry._

--

_Moony,_

_Write back, please. Or I will be forced to take drastic measures._

--

_Remus John Lupin,_

_Answer me please. If you don't, I'm going to come over there, Hogwarts be damned! Please, please be alright._

_Sirius._

--

_Dear Sir,_

_There is no longer anyone at this address by that name. Several items belonging to this person were found, and are enclosed. If you are concerned about your friends whereabouts, feel free to contact the Ministry of Magic._

--

Sirius clutched the letter tightly in shaking hands, a few meagre items – several books, a jumper, a few photos – strewn about. Remus was...gone?


End file.
